A CREATIVE RUT
So, I moved to New York City. And guess what? I felt it was probably high time I started blogging again. Even though no one asked for this, no one really cares about it, and even I neglected it for the aforementioned reasons. But I’m sitting here three weeks into settling into my new life and I’m feeling the urge to write. So, I thought I’d write a crappy blog post about how I’m feeling creatively like the typical millennial I am. Or am I Gen Z? I think 1996 is somewhere in between. It’s ironic because I have constantly felt “in between” my whole life. I could use that phrase figuratively and reflect on growing up in between two cultures, or about my adolescent angst constantly looking to the future and feeling stuck in between a rock and hard place in all my decisions back then. But the future is here, and I am now quite literally in between jobs, in between projects, and in between people bumping me on the subway. I made it to New York! This is everything that I have worked towards, and strangely it happened pretty easily. But now comes the hard part. I have found myself quietly overwhelmed with everything happening and outwardly calm. I know I’m just settling in, but without a steady job and a set routine I’m scared that I’ll never find them. Living in the in-between is difficult, and I feel like I haven’t actually shown up for myself. I’m freelancing right now and it’s driving me slightly crazy. I’m not making YouTube videos and I’m afraid I might slip into irrelevancy. I haven’t worked on a project or created any art in months. While on FaceTime with a friend this week, (I’ve probably been calling friends too much) I abruptly admitted that I don’t feel like an artist, and I’m disappointed with myself that I don’t have strong ideas to create. And that’s true! I am constantly comparing myself to other designers and coming up with excuses as to why I could never do what they do. I have never looked at myself as an artist, but I have always wanted to. I’d like to think that right now I’m just in a creative rut, but how long will this rut last if I keep telling myself I’m not skilled enough to create? So, after talking with my friend and spending a few days in a hell-style heat wave where all I could really do is stay inside and think, I decided I needed to come up with a plan. I’m going to be proactive, and actually get to work. I’m going to finish that freelance job, film some videos for my channel, and start creating really ugly, dumb, exciting, messy, cool art. And I’m going to post about it in blog form even if no one reads it. Maybe this “in between” won’t be so bad if I make the most out of my fluid schedule and not-so-steady job. I’m just trying to be an artist over here.